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We’re Your Balls. Can You Snapchat Us To Your Friend?


Being nuts is hard, man. No, not hard like that, you disgusting pervert. That’s Benny’s job. He lives upstairs. We’re the jets. You named us that, because you think you’re funny. And we all live in this commune together where it’s dark and smelly and terrible because some genius (you) only wears briefs. Of course Benny gets the double-wrap comfy penthouse. God, he’s such an asshole.

There’s no air down here. We’re cooped up. We’re sweating. You could at least let us out more than the one time a day that you wake up and itch us pre-shower. Take us for a walk around the house sometime. Wear your robe. Or at least a fucking kilt or something. We just need some fresh air.

And some quality time. Jerking doesn’t count.

Oh, you think it does? YOU try working as hard as you can just to see the fruits of your labor sent into a crusty sock. It’s an embarrassment to testiculi everywhere. We just want to be loved. Heck, at this point, we’d even take a good ol’ fashioned rub down.

What’s this? Your hand is cupping us?! Jesus Christ, we’re actually being caressed! Yes! Thank you for this, human! We can hear the zipper! Have our prayers finally been answered?

Oh yes. They have been. The sweat is being thumbed from our furrowed brows. Well, ball-groove-brain-things. Not sure if they have a real name. The cold metal zipper is the only unpleasantry. But we don’t care, since we’re finally free to dangle in the breeze.

What could be the cause of this glorious change of events? A shave? Maybe some talcum powder? Now THAT would be rich.

Hmm. It is a little lonesome without Benny here. He could possibly be busy -- flipped up into the belt to hide an erection, maybe. We’ll reconvene with him later.

But why did you leave the pant button buttoned? Quite odd. Maybe it’s better not to question the hand that unzips you.

A camera? Why? We didn’t consent to this!

We don’t even look good! Oh god, the result is horrendous. Why did you leave the flash on. Our hairs do not shadow well.

You’re deleting it? Sweet mercy. At least our dignity is intact.

Oh. You just didn’t get the angle you wanted. Yep. Your face looking over the top of us. That’s just great. Drawing faces on each of us now, eh? “Mount Nutmore”, eh? Think you’re really funny?

We, for two, do not find humor in the subjugation of ballfolk. Return us to our commune, immediately, or we’ll stick to your leg for the rest of the day.

Oh shit. You’re making it your story.

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